Halifax – By Glynis Sherwood MEd, Trauma Therapist & Coach
Question
I am the family scapegoat with a very narcissistic mother, enabling father and golden child narcissistic sister.
My ex husband walked out Christmas 2021 due to an affair and terrible addiction problems, plus years of lying and psychological abuse. We had been No Contact with my family for four years at the time.
When my ex husband walked out, a friend suggested I call my parents for help. They were angry and hostile, but eventually agreed to see my 17 year old daughter and I. All went well but my daughter started seeing a lot of them. My mother has divided and conquered the family and split me and my sister apart. When my daughter was staying at my parent’s house, they snuck my sister in behind my back to see my daughter and told her to keep it a secret.
I then began once again asking my mother for all the family to be reunited. This was via message. They defended my ex husband relentlessly and concocted a story saying they didn’t want me speaking negatively of them and then blocked me on every platform when I tried to defend myself.
My parents told my daughter she is welcome in the family but I am not. They also tried to turn my daughter against me which worked for awhile.
My daughter has told me my parents are having a lot to do with my ex husband. They bought him a lovely birthday gift recently and he had them over to see his new house. He has lots of his own family but now is spending a lot of time with mine while I am kicked out. My ex husband has also been fully engaged in Parental Alienation against me.
I can’t get my head around all of this. My daughter now sees her own mother not allowed in the family and yet she is….. and now also my ex husband, her father, is welcome in my family whereas I am not.
To top it all off, I have been confiding in a friend from the UK I’ve had since age 4, but this week she sent me a nasty message telling me it’s all my fault I apparently ‘fell out’ with my family again and she remembers my parents to be ‘good people’. She told me that the relationship breakdown is all my fault and not theirs. After so many years of friendship…. She has now cut me off too.
I can’t cope with all this trauma and rejection. And mind games. My family and ex husband all live in the same town as me which makes it even worse.
Any insight you could give me on this head wrecking situation would be hugely appreciated.
Answer
Thank you for your questions. You’ve been through a lot of difficulty and hurt with multiple losses and betrayals, all within a fairly short time span. This must be very hard for you. Dealing with separation and divorce is challenging at the best of times, but it sounds like your marriage ended under drawn out traumatic circumstances, making things even more fraught with difficulty for you.
Even though you are aware that your narcissistically abusive family can be like a minefield, it’s still natural to want to turn to family for comfort at times of loss of this magnitude. Unfortunately it seems like they have just compounded your difficulties by deliberately alienating and retraumatizing you.
I’m wondering if your first clue that you were in for trouble with your family of origin was when they responded to your bids for support, after your husband left, with anger and hostility? Many folks who grow up in abusive scapegoating families go into ‘Freeze’ mode – ie emotional blunting / numbing – when mistreated, which can interfere with self protective instincts and judgment regarding safety. Abusive dynamics can also be ‘normalized’ in survivors who don’t see the behavior for the red flag it is. Sometimes false hope regarding family can kick in when we are most at risk emotionally and needing family support. This is often the terrain of the ‘Wounded Child’ within. Do you remember experiencing any of these triggers that might have made it harder to maintain safer boundaries with your family when you were at your most vulnerable?
It must have been terribly disillusioning for you to witness your mother’s attempts to get your daughter to align with her against you, especially at such a vulnerable time. As this is a painful reminder of the hurtful dynamic she instigated with your sister, that continues to wound you to this day, I can see how this would be very difficult for you.
