Fraser Valley/Halifax (Glynis Sherwood Counseling) – From Glynis Sherwood MEd.
Question
In my immediate family, we had good family dynamics; in part, because my Mom was scapegoated in the family she grew up in. They are a large family, where my grandmother was narcissistic, and where there is more than one narcissist, and they seem to behave almost like a gang. They group together to shame and blame other family members, especially those who do not agree with them.
Some family members have “walked away”, who are then put down by the gang because they don’t participate in family gatherings. I had tried to return to going to family gatherings, only to find myself the target of humor masked as put downs, gossip, shame and blame, and when I refused to cave to them, I was then outcast. I am not the only one.
I have two other cousins in the same position, as well as one of my siblings. My Mom has also always been a target, but she manages within a limited contact situation with them. In some ways, it’s a bit easier, because my siblings, my parents and I have a good relationship.
In other ways, it’s challenging; because my narcissistic aunt had become good friends with my eldest brother’s ex-wife and his children. As a result, it seems that she turned my brother’s daughter against most of the rest of us; and, she now seems to display similar narcissistic characteristics.
So while our nuclear family has respectful, loving and healthy dynamics, we are surrounded by the opposite. It’s challenging, and in some ways, very complicated. I eventually embraced being outcast, but it did come with the same type of grief you have discussed in your articles.
So while it’s comforting still having the relationship that I have with my parents & siblings, the extended family situation still presents many challenges. At one point, I had gone into a depression as a result of the difficulties with them, before I began to understand what it was that I was actually dealing with.
I would love to hear your insight on this type of scenario:
- Is there any possibility of finding a peaceful co-existence with this group once you have removed yourself or been outcast?
- Why do some families have more than one narcissist? Why do they join up and become like a gang?
- How do you keep their influence from affecting your own nuclear family?
- Is the best solution, to go no contact with the entire extended family?
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