Halifax (Glynis Sherwood MEd) – Narcissistic Family Scapegoat Asks – Why Don’t They
See Me For Who I Am?
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Question
I received counseling in the past, and I’m aware that I was emotionally and verbally abused by my mother as a child and as an adult. The abuse never stopped so I had to stop contact with her a few years ago. This awareness and limited contact with “family” has helped me, but now I often wonder why my sister and half-brother and mother could never see me for who I am? They see me as the child I was. They see me as the son of an alcoholic father who abandoned my sister and I. They do not see me as the son of someone who suffered from severe combat related PTSD, who did not have the capacity to father children or support a family when he returned from Vietnam.
My mother would blame me for my sister and I for not having a father, even though my mother divorced him and remarried my half brother’s dad who tried raising us albeit very dysfunctionally. They cannot see me for my accomplishments or the person that I am, nor can they be empathetic towards me or my father who passed away a few years ago. Why are they like this? Is it because they have little emotional intelligence and are stuck in some way? I believe they are projecting a lot of their unwarranted hate of my father onto me, but I wonder why they can’t see reality as it is. Why do they cling to their own false narrative, the one that my mom has taught them?
My sister has also been a target of abuse her entire life by my mother, since we share the same father. But my sister has been close to mother her entire life, whereas I moved away after college almost 30 years ago. My mother seems to own my siblings, as if they are her property and they often act on her behalf, reciting things that my mother has programmed them to say. Unfortunately, I don’t think they have discovered who they really are individually. My half brother also lives very close to them and I remain thousands of miles away. My mother has divorced all of her three ex husbands that she had. I don’t think she was able to truly love anybody, only conditionally I suppose. My half brother seems to be the golden child. He was a trust fund kid who supports her via my mothers third husband, so he gets some love as a result.
Sometimes I wonder if this is conditional love and if it’s conditional love, is it real love? Do I need love from an outside source or is it not a human need? On occasion my sister or half brother will call me and unload a barrage of bizarre toxic comments onto me, so I’ve been forced to block all of them. After past conversations with my half brother 2 years ago, and my sister very recently, I felt shocked, confused, horrified, and traumatized all over again, as if it was my mothers voice speaking through them. It amazes me that it has come down to this. It took many years, with the help of counseling and books, for me to get this level of awareness, self-love and strength to operate outside of this dysfunctional family system. But I was weak and answered their calls. Unfortunately, I still feel a little codependency as if rescuing my sister will somehow validate me or give me more self worth. I know this is wrong and I wonder how I can work on myself to improve in this area?
In the past, I would sometimes return for the holidays only to leave in emotional pain, traumatized. It was never a pleasant experience so I stopped visiting. More recently, I told my sister what was going on regarding the hidden covert type of narcissistic abuse, but she still defends mother saying to me “I can take it”, as if she is more capable of tolerating abuse. Is she psychologically fused with the narcissist? How is this possible despite being emotionally abused herself? Why does she keep defending the narcissist parent and our half brother with a history of criminal and sociopathic behavior? She has told me stories of how our sister-in-law was being verbally abused by my mother, and once threatened to punch her if she didn’t stop. This was at a family function that I’m glad I didn’t attend. But why do I remain in contact with my sister? Why do I try to rescue her when she is so similar to my mother in her passive aggressive dysfunctional ways?
It has been difficult for me to not have contact with anyone in my family, and my sister is the last one. My mother seems to have programmed everyone’s mind with a false narrative of my father and I. This I, apparently, cannot change. I don’t think it’s worth the energy and pain to seek validation or understanding from these people. How do I get the strength to remain having no contact without feeling guilty or ostracized? I know deep down that I need to do this to grow and heal, even if my sister is where I was 20 years ago in her journey of awareness and trying to detach from an abusive parent.
After our last conversation with my sister I am convinced that whether or not my sister grows emotionally and recovers, I will remain in peril and in harm’s way if I maintain contact. I don’t think the sister I always wanted will suddenly appear one day. Am I right? I think she will always defend herself and mother, and see me and my late father as the scapegoats to her problems, even making reference to my fathers genetics. It is really sad that they are so delusional. It seems to be normal behavior for them to have dysfunctional relationships and they call to try to pull me back in. How do I get to the point where I feel more comfortable without a family? I truly believe that having no family is better than having an abusive one.
Answer – Read the in depth response here
Glynis Sherwood Counseling
Box 29043 RPO – Halifax Shopping Center
Halifax, Nova Scotia B3L 4T8
